Florida Man
Florida Man gets high on bath salts and propane; sets hair on fire because why not; pulls gun when no parasol in mai tai.
Florida man dances through sobriety test; keeps secret alligator; sings karaoke duet with coral snake.
Florida man tries to sell drugs to druggist; tries to buy car with cocaine; tries to fence church artifacts to priest.
Florida man claims to be “Popeye the Chicken Man” after he’s arrested for barnyard sex solicitation; calls himself “Batman” after he’s found in ventilation shaft of Taco Bell; wears “Satan-in-Law” name tag
at daughter’s wedding.
Florida man tells tourists that he owns Mar-a-Lago; may actually own Mar-a-Lago; googles self to find out which Florida man he really is.
Florida man regrets the coconut pipe bomb in the mail box; regrets pissing on the cop car in the Seven Eleven parking lot; apologizes for pressure washing his neighbor.
Florida man wants to quit being the permanent headline
under Odd News; wants to stop feeling like an invasive species in his home state; wants to become as respectable as a retired Methodist Republican dentist in Winter Haven.
Florida man weeps in his Bud Light and vows he’ll lead a python posse; bottle the Fountain of Youth; become as loved as a manatee munching eel grass under a glass-bottomed boat.
Maybe, it’s the iguana in his plumbing. Maybe, it’s the sinkhole under
his house. Maybe, it’s the “It’s a Small World” earworm, but Florida man feels he’s always bucking a Force 5 Happy Hour out there. Trouble keeps heading his way like a love bug looking for a windshield,
Sometimes, you’ve got to think outside of the box. Sometimes, a parrot, a blindfold and a Bic lighter are all that you’ve got to work with.
*
Chris Bullard lives in Philadelphia, PA. He received his B.A. in English from the University of Pennsylvania and his M.F.A. from Wilkes University. Finishing Line Press published his poetry chapbook, Leviathan, in 2016 and Kattywompus Press published High Pulp, a collection of his flash fiction, in 2017. His work has appeared in recent issues of Nimrod, Muse/A Journal, The Woven Tale, Red Coyote, Cutthroat and The Offbeat.